Thursday, June 4, 2009


Welcome to the neighborhood!

Everyone is so nice here. You are going to love it! We just need you to get your house in a little better shape.

Look around. We all have gates around brand new houses which are prominently, ostentatiously twice the price (at least) of yours. We all have fancy fences. YOUR house is old with an old pig farm fence. Your house used to be the pig farm: teeheeheeheee. Pig Farm house! That's you! We just think that's hilarious. You won't mind if we bring that up a lot, I'm sure.

You love it? You are merely a young, ignorant fool. And obviously such, I'm going to tell you all about my Master Gardener degrees. If you don't have one of these, you know nothing about plants. Oh, sure, two years of land scape school...whatever, you're too young.

Just so you know, you are part of MY FANTASY! It's true! I have this prim rose business and I NEED the corner house to look way better. And then we also have this control-freak garden house that would like a better view. That's you. You are the view! Isn't that exciting!

You'll notice we all have flat, green, well mowed, fertilized, contained, trimmed, aerated lawns. And you don't. I'm sure you can see the problem. We won't mind mowing you on two sides, however. Don't worry about adverse possession rules. We'd do a better job with your lot than you anyway. So just don't worry about that. We can't have blow over from your wild flowers into our MAINTAINED gardens.

You're obviously the youngest and stupidest on the block. Am I repeating myself here? Do forgive me. You don't know a darned thing about classiness and pristinity. Look at your cars. The new one is a HONDA. We've all got Escalades and sports cars. REAL cars. Cars of Class and Establishment. You are still clinging to an OLDSMOBILE. Don't mind if we gawk.

Speaking of gawking, we will drop our jaws at your laundry on the line. Class is keeping your laundry PRIVATE, even if it is clean. You have so much to learn! So much POTENTIAL!

You love your house, I know. It's so cute of you. You actually tried to defend it to us. You told us it was perfect the way it was. You told us you loved it and it was the most beautiful house you'd ever seen. Honey, we can smell trash a mile away. This is the nicest house to YOU because you are young and from some level of poverty less than upper crust.

What I say stands however. I offered an olive branch you didn't seem keen on taking. Your house has POTENTIAL, I said, LOTS of POTENTIAL. Now why don't you like that? Why take offense? Everything has potential. Why, even I do! Lots and lots of untapped potential to be a gracious person. So, all is not lost, you see?


  1. Is this for real?! Your new house looks so beautiful on the outside and inside! I would kill for that house... perhaps kill your neighbors for that house ;)

  2. Thanks! I love it too! Most of the houses around us hold NO charm for me. The neighbors are all really "nice" and none of them are trying to get in my daughters pants, which is a step up from our last neighborhood. But they've been passive/aggressive in their comments about our house and laundry. Luckily there's enough space out here that we don't have to deal with them too much.



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