Monday, November 23, 2009

The Original 1776

It has come to my attention that the Constitution is obviously the original, inerrant word of our founding fathers, all 50 to 200 of them, depending on how you count. These guys rocked. They were gods, actually. But they died. Anyway, they couldn't have been wrong. And they aren't open to interpretation, FYI. They wrote a truly awesome document, and we need to stick to it, down to the letter of the law (even if they were confused about u's and v's) and the times they lived in, and the intent we divine for.. er... I mean, from them.

And here, we'll find something for everyone! I guarantee it!

First off, we need Thirteen Colonies, the original thirteen. No more. No less. We can call them states, but nothing West of South Carolina is ours. And the rest of this great manifest destiny reverts back to the Natives. And that means that you and I need to start packing and bust a move on our own trail of tears and cram ourselves back in to the hell of the Eastern Seaboard. Button down white shirts an khaki slacks for all. Las Vegas belongs to the Native Americans, but I'm sure they'll let you visit.

A wife's paycheck legally belongs to her husband. That's the original institution of marriage that our founding fathers intended, undiluted, thank you very much.

Ethan Allen must return to leading a well appointed militia with matching cannons.

Corporations don't exist in 1776. They don't have rights. They don't vote. They don't count, not even money.

Gas-taxes on asses of gas-passing horses.

Global warming didn't exist in 1776, just like today! (But could some one explain to me exactly what the motivation would be to make up the so-called-totally-not-founding-fathersy climate change conspiracy? That's where I'm stuck.)

No electricity (and thereby no utility TAXES!!). No TV's, digital or analog. No radios. No computers. No blogs. You shouldn't be reading this, you unpatriotic infidel.

No hand washing. No baths. No deodorant. No indoor plumbing.

Which brings us to our moral obligation to toss our shit in the streets. As our founding fathers intended.

Wigs. Large rolling white waves of wigginess.

A hell of a lot more Congregationalists, Quakers and Unitarians in leadership. A hell of a lot more.

In 1776 there were no emission standards, not for our little cook fires. Just so long as we all get by on burning faggots in our hearths, no emission standards should be required.

Voting rights: for land owning white men only. That means condo owners and Penthouse renters are excluded because they don't own land... only platforms in air. No votes! Count em. None.

Health Care regulation doesn't exist because health care consists almost entirely of liberal applications of rum. Wifely income is spent mostly on health care. See, things wouldn't be that different from today!

And the centerpiece of our 1776 reversion is gun rights. A FULL and COMPLETE right to bare arms, just so long as they are three feet long and take five minutes to reload. Just like the ones our beloved founding fathers owned.

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