Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Interview with Life

Huck models proper Christmas posture
Today we have a special guest.  Boys and Girls put your virtual hands together and give a big e-welcome to That Energy/Force That Makes Shit Happen!!!  You may know her as The Universe, or God, or That Which Cannot Be Named.  And She's here, right here, ready to answer some questions.

Anonymous Interviewer:  So, Life, What's up with today?  I think, on behalf of Sarajoy, you've got some 'xplaining to do.

Life:  Listen, I'm tired of that cry baby complaining that life is so so boring.  She does it every year at this time, all through January and February.  Now I ask you, is that some way to start the New Year?  And Boring?  Boring?  I've been tossing crap, good and nasty both, at her for the past couple months.  Can't she see past her nose?

AI:  I think maybe she's feeling like she's boring and her life is boring.

The neighbor geese live it up
Life: Hell yeah, she's boring.  She's laying around ALL freaking day doing nothing.  It's called "The Ebb," and I invented it.  It goes nicely with "The Flow" but they have to take turns.  So, she's in the Ebb, so big freakin' deal! It's part of life and everyone's there some times.  And I've been trying to help with tons of excitement that she says she craves but she just doesn't want once she gets it.  What does she think "excitement" means?  I'll tell you what it isn't: calm. And it isn't boring.  You've got plenty of time for all that when you're dead. 

AI:  So, you feel like you're helping her?

Life: Uh... yeah.  What does it look like?  And I keep trying to tell her that life, that I (frankly, it IS ALL about me!) am interesting no matter what she does.  She is not the originator of novelty, she doesn't have to instigate to experience.  She CAN lay around all day nursing her poor little booboo noggin and I can do all the work.  Examples: 
*On her first day out she found the wallet of a man newly sprung from prison who then roughed her up. EXCITING!  And she learned a lot about it which she hopes to blog about soon. 
Oma in Christmas stockings
*Then, for Christmas, her mother-in-law bought her a new oven, not just any new oven, but the mother-in-law of all new ovens, a double oven with a glass top.  It's beautiful and extravagant and wonderful and when Sarajoy's extended family came for Christmas, they used every part of it several times a day.
*Then two days later, her 40 year old dishwasher (the machine one) exploded and she got a new one to match the oven.  And she's spent two weeks doing dishwasher experiments involving baked on pesto. Her new dishwasher cleans so well and so quietly that she's having a hard time leaving her kitchen to get rest.  And she's suddenly realized that perhaps the reason her kitchen used to be so messy is because her tools didn't work. 
*And did I mention her family came to visit?  They planned, cooked and cleaned up every meal and also cleaned all her floors.  Christmas was awesome. 
The floor sweeper and the chef
*Huck took 11 days off from work.  And the first 1/2 was exciting for all the right reasons and the second 1/2 was exciting because they were all sick of each other.
*She got to go to a mellow New Years Party and celebrate New York style, not even missing her bed time. 
*And she watched a sledding party from the window with her wassel.  
*But then she went to the Board meeting last week, because she was "bored," she cried.  Boohoo.  And she was so exhausted when she got home she had her first ever (and only!) seizure which she thought was an major earthquake and she said, with less sadness than she felt was appropriate: "Ooops, there goes Seattle, Sploosh!" And now she has to go to neurological rehab.
*She got enough energy to go to Kellogg to visit Huck and discovered one of the best restaurants in the Inland NW: The Moose Lodge, despite it's name and font and mascot, the food was surprising, perfect, made from scratch, AMAZING.
* Her 92 year old grandfather died too! She's in no condition to haul 2 kids over snowy mountain passes 14 hours round trip, for a funeral, but she did contribute a well appreciated poem that was read at his funeral.  Yeah, 92, not surprising, but she'll never see him again, so it's still sad.  And what's more change/flow/intensity than death, eh? 
Christmas morning, with fog
*And yesterday there was two feet of snow and kids to pick up from school anyway.  I mean, what MORE does she want?!?!

AI:  So you're saying her life is not boring, nor can it be, even if she is not an active participant?

Life: Duh.  This whole thing started when she was STANDING in the doorway between the unbelievably unthrilling rooms of kitchen and dining.  I mean, the girl wasn't snowboarding, or skydiving, or even having wild sex.  She was STANDING!  Which pretty much says it all right there.

AI: Explain this morning.

Coyote wears his favorite jacket for the 3rd grade musical
Life:  Listen, if the cow-in-heat hadn't escaped looking for a bull, then Super Neighbor Dave wouldn't have almost hit Claire with his SUV. And he wouldn't have gone to Sarajoy's house to tell her about it only to hear of her head woes and how she was incapable of dealing with this problem.  If he hadn't then graciously herded the cow back to her farm where she got it in to the barn, he wouldn't have been around to sheepishly ask, if he had a few extra minutes, to help her jump her car because her son had not shut his car door the night before and the battery was dead.  And if he hadn't done that, then who would she have asked to help tow her car out of the snow bank that she slid it into last night?  It was exciting.  It was fun!  But Sarajoy just crawls back inside, takes off her barn boots filled with snow because there's more than two feet of it by now and so it piled into her boots.  And she goes and cries in the bathtub.  Shit man, you just can't make some people happy!

AI: So you were just trying to make her happy?

The two on the left are no longer with us.

Life: The girl says, "I'm bored. I want something exciting to happen!"  Something exciting happens and now she's all, "That sucked!  What the hell is going on here!  I quit!" Boohoo. Go take a nap you prissy little sphincter.


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