Sunday, February 3, 2013

The Betterment

I felt kind of bad about my last blog post.  It seemed to be such a downer for people. I prefer to be amusing not depressing. And I'm also nervous about how much of my situation I revealed to the world.  So I've reviewed my motivation: I want to be as honest as I feel comfortable being.  I don't want other people to go through this and think "Sarajoy was a TBI rockstar with an incessantly positive attitude, she was like the Cheerios of TBI.  And look at me, I'm a crappy, soggy, sinking mess!"  When the truth is, that although I can feel great sometimes and have found really awesome treasures in this experience, there are terrifying and scary moments I'm not going to pretend away.  People always say that people "bravely fought cancer", but after knowing a few people who have, and have had moments of sheer screaming terror, I wonder how they feel thinking that some other people supposedly didn't, others were supposedly placidly brave and stared into death unflinchingly, and here they're flinching all over the place.  Or we hear about an old couple, "It was always pure love with them.  Such a love story!"  And I wonder, when Huck and I hit rough patches: ah, we suck.  This doesn't feel like much of a forever-in-love story.  Are we doing this wrong or are we doomed or is this reality and those stories are just clouded-up memories and fairy tales?

The other thing is that I've known a few people who have attempted and/or successfully offed themselves because they were ashamed of their medications and decided to go off them.  Would I then perpetuate this shame-culture by participating in it? Silence = Death in so many illnesses, especially mental.  It's destructive and dangerous for us all to be pretending we don't need help, chemical or otherwise, when we do. I'm not suggesting that we all write nerve-gratingly annoying memoirs of Celexa-Nation.  I simply want a little less shame around taking meds so that those that need them continue to do so.  Please, everyone, stay on your medication!

However, after posting, I was put in contact with a bunch of local TBI support groups and after talking at length with their founder I discovered that regular doctors always prescribe these kinds of medications but a TBI physician never would.  That's because the re-mapping of my emotional brain-universe needs to be done "by hand".  If I use meds, then the problem still remains and will be waiting for me whenever I go off them.  This inspired me to not take the longer term medication (but I do have a pocket full of emergency meds), dig up all the tools I've been taught before and to work my way through them again.  I'm also comforted to hear that re-mapping does come to completion at some point, for most people, the rest ... it's not pretty.  So, thanks to my honesty, which I found a little scary, I was put in touch with a ton of people who have been through this and whose collective knowledge is greater than my general physician's.

And I am beginning to wonder if perhaps my expectations for thought clarity are a little too high.  Have my thoughts ever really beamed in 100% clear, logical, and consistent?  Haven't I always muddled through. Don't you?  You think one thing and maybe travel down that path for a while, then realize you've forgotten to include obviously contradictory data and then right yourself.  That's pretty normal, right? Like learning to downhill ski, I think I'll put the breaks on, make the pizza pie out of my thoughts and slow them down until I'm confident of my ability to control my direction as well as can be expected. I hope that if I check in with them for validity often enough and keep them slow enough to be able stop if I start careening into a tree or off a cliff, then soon I'll be proficient enough to slollum speedily down once more.  And my blog has always had typos and missing words, right? So perhaps I'm not doing as bad as I thought I was.  I maybe be a lot better than I was thinking...har har har.

I still tire easily and unexpectedly and disappointingly.  But I am much more hopeful that I will get through this TBI: Part B experience and will get through it well enough.

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