They'd told me the competition had been fierce, but in the end, they were excited to offer me a spot. And I was excited too. And then, nothing got better as fast as I wanted it to. And a few weeks ago, I finally had to make the call.
Pursue your dreams! Chase after them! DO THE WORK! Whatever it takes! Reach for the stars! Believe in the impossible!
Me? I quit.
|Coyote's drop kick|
|Tiki god's garden|
It seems that I could have worked hard, I could have done Folklife, against the advise of my therapists. But what would it have cost me? Months of healing work, hard work, disciplined work, $2000 in therapy spent only on attending that event. And then at least a month to recover. It's obvious in my life now: people and activities are either contributing to my healing or sucking energy away from it. My energy is so incredibly limited that I have to make careful and clear choices. It seems that's the way it is all the time, perhaps. Each one of us are always making decisions and each time we include things/folks/food/activies in our lives that detract from our healing, we crowd out those things that will make and keep us healthy.
I think of the woman who made "Super Better" (see minute 7 of this TED video) doing her (other)
TED talk just 5-6 months after her brain injury. She did it, shouldn't I be able to as well? But each TBI is different and each person progresses at their own rate. It is true for the TBI and it is true for life as well. Life unfolds for me at it's own pace. I may be impatient and frustrated but this is my own particular life and path. And comparison is futile, both in TBI's and in lives. It seems to me now that "life, the universe and everything" is very personal and intimate and demands nothing but that I stand in the center as the petals unfurl in their own perfect timing, a blossom just for me and my purpose is to enjoy it's unfolding. How perfect is it all!
|Chasing the Ball|
It's difficult to make these decisions knowing you can't think clearly. So I abandoned thought, and felt, purely felt. And I felt sick every time I thought of going. And I felt peace every time I thought of not going. And there's a time to overcome fear, but this was not it. And so I let it go. I let it go. I guess, if it comes back to me, it was mine... and all that.
I'd be lying if I said there was no fear. Stories, storytelling, all the narrative arts have been the organizing principle of my life. They'd provided goals short and long. They've defined me. And I don't know if it's leaving me forever or not.
|Starry flowers made from star parts|