Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Shiny Happy Facebook

I now have 14 friends. I've taken to Facebook like a pro. I was born to Facebook.

G has 600 friends. L has 300. B has 200. I have the least number of friends of anyone I know. Because I'm taking it seriously. "Friend": what does that mean? To be a friend. What are the implications? What are the obligations? If there was an "acquaintance" button, I'd use it.

But now I have 14 friends. Gone are the intimate days of slightly off-color jokes. Gone are the moments when I eagerly awaited K's ramblings. I even enjoyed hearing about J's soil sterilization and cold coffee and L's hair full of cotton candy. In fact, until I had this cornucopia of 14 friends, I was actually coming to admire Facebook's friendship maintenance program. Whereas, at first, I was annoyed by the blather, I later came to view it as the diaper changes of friendship. That is: routine maintenance is what life is made of. Many an ignorant father has ditched diaper duty thinking duty was dumb. But diaper changes are actually an opportunity for bonding and expressing love in a practical way that means something to the baby. To ditch diaper duty is to short change yourself. The Facebook blather was taking on that form. I never knew J drove tractors. I didn't know S had a new sleeve of tattoos. I love knowing this stuff!

Now instead of ramblings left and right, I've now got "friendings" announcements. This means that every five minutes I know that one of my friends has 10-20 new friends. I can't imagine how they manage the throngs! Mr. G has 600 friends. Picture, if you can, the visual cacophony on his screen! I'm pretty sure he's not reading this, so I think I can say some shit about G behind his back here. How can I be so sure? G has 600 friends AND is employed. G cannot have even 1 minute per week for each friend. G is definitely NOT reading my blog right now. 20 years ago, G kept to himself and opened his mouth every now and again to sing down the halls "What's you're reason for existing?" This existential crisis and our need to drag everyone else down into it was about the only thing we had in common. Now I am friends with G. I make up .1667% of G's social network. And he will get announcements every time me, or the other 6 billion people on the planet, friend, photo, comment, or broadcast.

Facebook can become many things, it seems. It can be a collective yearbook signing of your lifetime. It can be Class Reunion 24/7. It can be friends blathering about the nuts and bolts of life. It can be your personal slide show where you show off your good side on a sunny day. It can also be totally paralyzing. Every time I type something in, I have to realize that even though I only have 14 friends, 1000 people can see every word I write. It's like those STD equations. Maybe you've only slept with 14 people, but germ-wise, it's 1000. I'm pretty sure I'll never write anything on Facebook again. I now get performance anxiety just logging on.

The other problem with Facebook is my timing. I should have joined when I was riding my bike around India while 7 months pregnant. I should have joined when I was sashaying and working in Mexico. (okay, we can definitely be thankful that I didn't join THEN!) Or when I was at the exciting stage of parenting: giving birth (At Home!). Or the year I learned to downhill ski AND surf. Or when I was working at a dude Ranch (I can't show you pictures of that because saddles make my butt look big-ger). I should have joined even a year ago when I had an awesome house, great friends to get down with, a wonderful job and a future so bright I had to wear two sets of shades AND a sun hat. But this? This clumsy execution of a difficult transition? This is when I join Facebook?!

In answer to your question: the blog is different. It's my home turf. I get to explain myself here. And no one is reading it. Except, maybe you... some times. But the Blog has similar problems: a window into my current, unfortunate state... which is definitely on the upswing, or at least I can see the upswing coming my way. But you know me, I would feel so FAKE if I only joined Facebook and blogged when things were going well. So, first off, I figure, I should introduce the world to my down side: "Worst Foot Forward!" I always say. And then, my strategy is that when things go good, both of us are going to know I deserve it... right... strategy.

My life is so boring now. 1) it's late February and there's nothing to love about life in the North in Late February (Valentine's Day is in February because the only
thing left to love about life is sex and the person you do it with). 2) I'm sick.

I've thought up some things that would really spruce up my Facebook/blog life. I've seen other people do these things and it makes life look so EXCITING! I could leave my husband for 7 lovers of varying genders. I could leave my kids and travel the globe. I could suddenly realize I'm a lesbian! I could promote my personal imaginary projects as if they are real and I'm really landing a movie deal, right now, even as I type.

What do you think? Let's have a VOTE! Everyone vote right now on what exciting train wreck I should attempt, or at least lie about:

(Addendum: I just had a really nice experience on Facebook!)


  1. Any shit writer can make passing out on a toilet in Thailand and waking up to find the bar closed interesting. It is the challenge of blogging to find the mundane worth words. I shut down for a year because of this. Because I found love, was happy, and living in a place I considered boring. No sexual angst, no wild travel adventures!

    Now facebook, for me, is a whole other ball game. It is passing notes in math with people I have known all my life. Not too much depth, but the things you know when you live close to someone.

    So my vote goes to hearing more about the small details!

  2. Your emails from Mexico scared the @#$% out of me , so I vote for the small stuff.



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